December 2009
Darwin Awards
[Taking place in a truck]
Me: Hahahhaha ... uhmina, no.Dad: Richie, you never told me this year's Darwin awards.
Me: Oh God, I gotta look up on those.
Hannah: Charles Darwin, what?
Me: No, the Darwin AWARDS.
Dad: They're like the awards for people that happen to manage to kill themselves in hilarious ways.
Grandma: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHD!
[We pause a bit and then continue on with our conversations. It's what you gotta do to old people.]
Me: Or get themselves sterilized, so like anything that manages to get someone out of the gene pool.
Hannah: Oh sterilized, that sounds easy to win an award for. So people just ... take baths in hand sanitizer?
Me: Hahhaha ... uhmina, no.
“There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches...”
– Luke 2:8-14
You See the Craziest People At WalMart
Omilawd I walked into Wal Mart and I fucking see this guy there, middle aged, not terribly attractive. FUCKING HEAD WAS SHINY LIKE A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT. Or something else that’s really shiny. You wanna know what else is shiny? Ice cream! I swear to God this dude put some Turtle wax on that bitch. I saw my reflection in the back of his head. Literally.
Also I saw this chick that had her...
I Had Skittles In There
[Taken place at an actual Target parking lot]
Mom: Richie, I can't find the P.T. Cruiser.
Me: Then beep it.
Mom: I can't beep it it's broken.
Me: We gotta find that car, mom. I swear to God it better not be stolen.
Mom: Well if someone stole it, the car would be taken care fo by my insurance.
Me: I don't care about the insurance, mom, that's not important. We need to find that P.T. Cruiser. I HAD SKITTLES IN THERE!!
Gay? Fine by me.
Hannah: I don’t understand your shirt.
Me: What do you mean?
Hannah: Why would someone have that on a shirt?
Me: It just says “Gay? Fine by me.”
[Awkward Pause]
Hannah: Ohhhhh I got it now. I thought it meant “You callin’ me gay? Fine by me.” So I was like “What is this world coming to?!”
[Laughter]
Me: Ahhhahahahah no it’s not like that at all.
Hannah: Now it makes sense, it’s like “Hey you’re gay? Fine by me!”
You Wanna Know What Sucks?
When you’re shoveling snow in your grandparents’ driveway four days after the blizzard and it isn’t anything resembling snow any more and is more like a compressed ice mixture. It’s a bitch to move around but when you’re done not only do I get to count that chore as my day’s workout but I also get the pride of getting a job actually done.
Ugh ...
Why does Tumblr like to piss me off?
Oh well, life goes on.
I am SUUUCH an Ass Hole
I went to the shoe store today with the fam for, you know, cold weather footwear because we’re like most people and aren’t prepared and buy our winter wear AFTER the snow storm.
So my sister is getting fuggs, you know the fake Ugg boots, and she asks me what color I like better, the dark brown ones or the light brown ones. Obviously I prefer the light brown ones because they’re...
I'm So Retarded
It took me a good 20 minutes to figure out how to like something on this website.
What the FUCK?
First post. Yay me!
So yeah, I was more or less forced into this tumblr thing.
We’ll see how it goes and whether I am gonna succeed at tumblr.
I am the Awesomestman. That’s both a little descriptor of me AND my philosophy on life. What can I say, I’m a wee bit conceited.